Stuck on Love

For my husband and I, Valentine’s Day consisted of hanging-out with a group of young folk we know, virtually watching the 2017 film, Love by the 10th Date. We used it as an opportunity to laugh a lot with them and discuss biblical courtship against what we see as the errors of dating. But even now as February 14 fades into this year’s rear-view mirror, I am finding myself still captivated by the topic of romantic love. Based on the bulk of conventional wisdom and popular opinion out there about how to get a man, much less keep him, I am a rogue outlier, easily disqualified from the conversation. Of course, some of the advice people give about relationships is baloney. Just because someone has an opinion about match-making or marriage does not automatically mean it is accurate. And still, in recent years I have come to better understand how disordered my core beliefs around love have been for the bulk of my life. What I did and a lot of what I have done is what you should not do.

Before my husband entered the picture, and honestly even during the bulk of our 14 year marriage, I was a skeptic of love. Maybe not a love hater, but definitely someone jaded and cynical about, and hypercritical toward the institution of marriage. I wasn’t remotely convinced that “true love” was possible or worth the effort. I know that this is an odd viewpoint to hold as someone who went on to be married and maintained this perspective even while married. I readily admit that it made me a walking contradiction or oxymoron—but that’s the unfiltered reality of where I was. It has taught me, however, that what we cannot identify cannot be confessed, which then only delays or denies our healing. Because of this, for my own sake, to glorify the Holy Spirit’s steadfast interruption, and to help other women in this area, I must be honest. Seeing God as containing more wrath than love, combined with bad decisions and poor role-modeling adopted from my household as a child, fueled within me a kind of contended delinquency. I was not concerned about God’s values. I wanted God and my husband to co-sign my values, and if not then both of them could hit the road. You can be blind to it in the moment, but a calloused heart is easy to come by. I was shaped and formed to be cold, so in young adulthood and then marriage all I knew how to do was trust in myself. What I should have nurtured and safeguarded, I did not. And at the same time, I became rigid and reckless, easily duped into treating secular thought as if it was biblical wisdom capable of keeping me from harm’s way.

God’s mercy and perfect providence are the absolutely only reasons my husband found and felt called to pursue me all those years ago when marriage was farthest from my mind, and that I have arrived at a place where I am quick and proud to identify him as my best friend, biggest supporter, and soul mate. In The Sacred Search: What If It's Not about Who You Marry, But Why?, Gary Thomas, the bestselling Christian author and minister, writes: “Biblical love is not based on the worthiness of the person being loved—none of us deserves Christ’s sacrifice—but on the worthiness of the One who calls us to love: “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).” I hope that seeing a snapshot of my tattered story, redemptive though it is, will be a note of encouragement and challenge, penned with love, to my single sisters in Christ who are striving for obedience and who desire to one day exchange sacred vows with the man God sends. There is nothing wrong with declaring a hope to be married—in fact, being able to name one’s earnest desires in this way is as normal as it is healthy. To be anxious, defensive, dogmatic, or singularly focused on it (making it an idol), however, is not right.

I believe that what God has done for me and countless more, He desires for others. I don’t mean that everyone is called to marriage, though, because they are not. Some will marry and some won’t. Some who wanted to marry won’t while some who didn’t will. These are mere examples of life’s mysteries that we must submit to God, who—regardless of our feelings—has everything in control and the best plans for our hope and future. Therefore, while not everyone will participate in holy matrimony, as God’s beloved children, we shouldn’t settle for any of the temporal, short-sighted plans that come to us so easily. We can’t afford to forget that, “There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.” (Proverbs 14:12) Although intentional and prayerful, you do not want to be so consumed with getting married that in desperation you settle for cheap fruit of “situationships” and defile the relationship with your first love, Jesus Christ, wasting valuable, borrowed time. Marriage is not an award one receives for supposed good behavior nor is it a system of oppression. Don’t let funky theology, statistical data, or anger lead you to misunderstanding God’s grace. But also, be careful not to ignore red flags or otherwise think Mr. Wrong can be converted into Mr. Right if you work hard enough at it, as if he was a home improvement project. Life is too short and our God too big for that. Should you travel that path, you will compromise your worth, character, and intimacy with Christ.

Learn to stay in your lane and maintain biblical standards for you and whatever men you allow appropriately limited access to your life. Take seriously doing the internal work between you and God that is needed. And as part of the process, build a community of like-minded Christians, from your local church and other circles, who will cry and celebrate with you, and hold you accountable to the Word of God. You don’t need to promote yourself as a hot commodity, but if you are the kind of woman who overindulges in social media, branding, dating apps, and is obsessed with being seen, that is likely how some people will perceive you. Let a godly man seek you out. We know from Proverbs 18:22 that, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” It isn’t wise to hide yourself behind obstacles that are inordinately difficult to overcome and don’t be rude to him when he shows up, but do take the steps necessary that your romantic relationship to please God, which means that you will be honored and protected along the way.

It increasingly commonplace, unfortunately, to become infatuated with a man needing to be a high-powered CEO or a Michael B. Jordan look-a-like, but that is only immaturity speaking. The more you live you realize how silly some of the most hard-fought desires can be. Better to have a man of God, not a boy, who is sincere, committed, and compassionate than someone who merely possess “things” that you enjoy, which will fade away quicker than you fully realize. A lifestyle can vanish in a moment without your permission, but godly character is harder to come by and has longer staying power. A husband after the heart of Christ will share his heart with his wife. He will be gentle and strong, recognizing that they are complementary not oppositional traits. And above all else, he will fear God. Yes, he should financially provide for his family, but that provision does not mean showering you with a Ranger Rover and Gucci bags, and your household with conspicuous consumption. Again, immaturity esteems that. The kind of man God has for his daughters is one who will not run from challenges or storms, but rather exemplifies courage in the midst of hard times.

Life between my husband and I is not always hugs and kisses, although we hug and kiss a lot without shame, but we are devoted to loving God and loving one another passionately, laboring to be a complementary duo. Even so, there is no substitute for my relationship with Jesus Christ. It is only because of God’s wondrous love that performed surgery on two totally depraved human hearts that James and I keep saying, “Yes” one to another each day over and over again. It is a beautiful rhythm for life that we dare not take for granted.