Coloring Outside of the Lines
Most of my life has involved being rewarded for coloring inside the lines. This kind of posture is of high value in our society, so coming across as hyper-focused, studious, safe, and reliable never hurt. With excellent academic success and the kind of work ethic compelling you to arrive early and stay late, most of the time you are regarded as a coveted commodity. The sometimes aggressive, singularly focused individual constantly developing solutions and advocating for their use, championing independence and high standards, this has been me for too long to count. However, I can’t pinpoint when my ability to organize, manage time, or generally be highly productive began exactly, though I do recall having copious amounts of meticulous, color-coded notes for every class in high school and college. This, of course, was well before laptop and tablet technology. These ways of being, especially as a student and employee, allowed me to flourish whenever maximized operational output was the goal, yet such a one-track minded imbalance led to perfectionism that neglected vital ingredients needed for wholeness, leaving me empty much of the time without knowing it.
Even my walk with God has been impacted by this negative dynamic, as I am more hardwired to embrace an all or nothing approach to matters of faith. It amounts to a “Go Big or Go Home” fixation to dot every I and cross every T in hopes to then maybe, once and for all be acceptable in the eyes of God. But that isn’t how it works. Romans 7:14-25 reminds us that the spiritual disciplines of orthodox Christianity are not wrong, but freedom truly comes only from a robust personal relationship with God through Christ, with the Holy Spirit’s help. There’s absolutely no other way to please God. My achievement-based obsession to cross items off of the many checklists I have combined with a regimented, time-stamped lifestyle has not served me well for some time now. It has left me trapped and exhausted, barely alive on an automated assembly line of rules and restrictions that God never asked me to follow in the first place, that encourage me to exploit my gifts.
I am a former educator who is now trying to unlearn that which has felt instinctual for so long and learn a totally different set of skills. Yes, the teacher has become the student. My career was largely spent instructing students with a variety of exceptionalities, both academic and functional. I am most comfortable leading from in-front of a class or being one of the top scorers on most assessments, but my current situation requires some serious remediation, weekend intensive courses and tutoring to release me from rigidity. It is only possible with God because on my own I am a mess. So, I find myself asking, how do I stop allowing labels, unrealistic expectations, the comparison game, and other obstacles stop me from pursuing the specific mission that God has me here for, to participate in for His glory and my good? How do I combat an ever-present loop of self-criticism and pessimism, constantly telling myself that I am not creative, original, skilled, or well-spoken enough to grab a hold of those things I am extremely passionate about?
The tendency to over-analyze just about anything and to do it with a persnickety spirit is a lethal combination, believe me. Because of this when faced with doing something that doesn’t naturally come easy to me, my go-to move is to start traveling down a long, windy, and comfortable though treacherous rabbit trail of procrastination or inaction. It is bad. I am actually pretty good at encouraging others to put their hopes into concrete action, as crazy as that may sound; but when it comes to me, I often fail to apply my own wisdom. Despite that I can easily appear to others as self-motivated and disciplined, truthfully, I am inconsistent and struggle to remain committed not only to trying hard stuff but to keep doing it once I do try. For me, hard stuff is defined as those things that represent high risk and/or failure or lack concrete metrics and deadlines.
I am reminded of Sarah (formerly Sarai), the wife of Abraham and mother of Isaac. Sarah was a flawed individual who reckoned God’s plan for her geriatric pregnancy laughable. She actually laughed mockingly at God. (Genesis 18:12-15) Her unwillingness to trust God, who wanted to bless her well beyond her advanced maternal age, sparked her eventually scheming to provide Abraham with an heir by exploiting an Egyptian slave girl in her care named Hagar. Instead of dealing with her own issues, she spewed them onto others. Even so, thankfully, Sarah’s sin did not disqualify her from becoming a “mother of nations.” (Genesis 17:16) How wonderful is it that God “does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities”? (Psalm 103:10)
At all times God’s love outlasts our messiness and perceived limitations. God’s will bows to no one. He made you and me for so much more than we settle for, but acknowledging that is not enough. I must make deliberate, different, even counter-intuitive choices to what I am accustomed to doing. Just because something feels comfortable doesn’t, by that distinction alone, guarantee that it is good for you. Divorcing myself from stalling tactics and the disobedience of thinking that I know better than God, that if only He would let me do things my way they would turn out near perfectly and help me follow Him more faithfully—these are the dangers I must be proactive in protecting myself from with God’s help. It is ultimately about a heart change. I know enough now to accept that I cannot do any of this in my own power or on my own terms. It will take addressing hard things and embracing discomfort for my life’s mosaic to one day reflect childlike faith that is simple and bold, and full of buoyant endeavors, authenticity, and multiplication.