Dying to Disorder
On Sunday morning in some churches, as people come forward during the time of invitation, the preacher affirms to the new converts that, in surrendering to Christ, they've just made the best decision of their lives. And I agree. Joining “Team Jesus” is the best decision ever. Unfortunately, though, oftentimes in modern American Christianity we don’t tell people the whole story. Jesus is an all-powerful savior, who lovingly journeyed to death on a cross, to cover the penalty for our sin, sacrificing himself though he was without blame. So often nowadays we seem confused about that, however. Jesus being nailed to a cross is not symbolic. It is a fact. It is a reality for Christ and those who follow him, so when we enter into relationship with him, as much as we receive a platinum rewards card, you might say, affording us special rights and privileges, we’re also associating with death. We are choosing to die to our sinful, fleshly nature. There is no other way to truly be in an intimate relationship with Christ than surrendering every aspect of our lives to him.
One area that has enslaved me for over the past twenty-plus years involves body image. As much as possible, I try to be open with other women, especially young women, about my battle with disordered eating, which at one point landed me in an intensive outpatient program. Thankfully, by God's grace and continued intervention, I’ve come a mighty long way from endless hours counting calories, restricting, or binging and purging, but I can still be trapped by the number on the scale. Although I no longer catalog every item that I eat, I still know the general calorie count of most food items. One cup of oatmeal is 300 calories. A banana has 110 calories. And ice cream, my favorite food of all, has 160-200 per half-cup.
The number on the scale, whether it is up or down can easily impact my mood for the day. And not only that, I have also been guilty of comparing my body to other women. At times, I even find myself with the urge to ask other women how much they weigh, but I know that would be inappropriate. The subject of weight is taboo for many women and I would look like a lunatic to ask strangers such a personal question. In now desiring to lose a few pounds from the extra snacking while sheltering-in-place during the onset of COVID-19, I know that I cannot engage in dieting practices that'll lead me again down the road of destructive eating habits. For the final stage of healing to take root, I must surrender my WHOLE body to He who is already in control. I must surrender to God.
Honestly, when falling within the optimal middle of a healthy weight range or being obese (according to what the body mass index says), both represent times I recall feeling the most out-of-sync. I would always try pretending that I wasn’t overwhelmed, neurotically supervising my weight, absolutely exhausted, emotionally and physically. Or, with the pendulum swinging in the opposite direction, I’d disregard all healthy eating habits and allow food to soothe me at every opportunity. Neither were good places for me to be in. Harm, I know, comes in different packages. Today, however, I am committing to no longer sacrificing my sanity and wellness. Vanity and insecurity about my weight are not worth missing God’s best for me.
No longer will I allow my body to be a battleground for control. The number on the scale does not reflect my healthiness, happiness, or ability to love or be loved. The number on the scale will no longer hold me hostage. I will no longer be a slave to its lies and sporadic demands. For far too long my need to control has been my life’s tyrant. I have welcomed it in and given it access to so much of me, but no more. It has robbed me of relationships, time, and my God-given sense of integrity.
I’m confident in God’s continued healing power to restore my body and mind, that I can be an instrument of his righteousness. I want Him to use me. I want my struggles and the testimony of my ongoing victory in Christ to be a gift that helps bring hope and deliverance to others.