2020 Equals 40 Years
How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Like mine your life is like a mere morning fog—here a little while, then gone. Born to Alfred, Jr. and Debra, on February 13, 1980 at 4:59pm in South Carolina (“The Palmetto State”) I took my first breath, and there is no avoiding that likewise one day, in an instant, I will take my last. If I could customize a Papyrus card for myself, it would have a replica of my favorite pair of ballet flats on the front cover with these words inside: “Oh, child, stop trying so hard. Jesus already loves you. The Bible tells you so.” When I was little my parents told me that I had to establish a relationship with Christ on my own. I specifically recall my mom saying every so often, “You have to know him for yourself.” This chorus was especially prevalent when I was found engaging in some mischievous behavior. For me, the Christian life started while a small girl who proudly wore ruffled socks and patent leather shoes to Sunday School. My nine-year-old self knew with bold confidence what the twenty-year-old forgot, and the thirty-year-old has had to re-learn—yes, Jesus loves me, for the Bible tells me so.
Being an “ex-church girl” does not signify the divorce papers from me have been served to God’s church, although there have definitely been periods of separation between us and seasons when I strayed from viewing the Bible as the authority that it is. It is a messy process, but these days I am all about deconstructing the bad theology I let infiltrate my heart, mind, and soul, and debunking misconceptions about God’s character together with seeking deliverance from a host of heavy, harmful baggage amassed over years of rebellion. Renata is a name of German origin that means reborn, which I can see fits me like a glove, maybe now more than ever. No longer am I in bondage to legalism, twisted expectations, or disordered eating. I am being made new daily in Christ alone.
Oh, yes, Jesus loves me. His love for me is superior to any other because he was fully human and fully God. He knows how many gray hairs are on my head, which for the record I pluck out, and removes the scuff marks caused by missteps and temper tantrums. God rescued me from the wasteland of idolatry and self-righteousness. Every day he wraps me in his arms and cultivates the unnurtured little girl inside who is quick to feel scared, abandoned, and angry. In his embrace I am saturated with the kind of love that leaves me knowing that I have nothing to prove.
Oh, yes, Jesus loves me. Immersing myself in the Word of God affirms it as fundamental, undeniable truth and makes me more acutely aware that the previous Holy Spirit is with me through mundane daily experiences and celebratory milestones, as well as grief and loss. Heaven and earth will pass away, but not God’s words (Matthew 24:35). And so, ultimately, only what I do for Christ is sustainable and life giving. His love fuels me to pursue righteousness instead of being right. His loving correction has stripped away of my “know it all” demeanor and the want for a round of applause in every moment. Holding my head high does not mean looking down at others, but rather displaying compassion toward others and walking in the messiness of their lives, which, if I am honest, in one way or another often enough reflects my own mess.
Age does not equal emotional, mental, or spiritual maturity. Being transformed in Christ is a lifelong process of exchanging a secular mantra that says you are to “live your best life now” for sanctified devotion. God always deserves my best, not Sunday morning leftovers from weekdays of too much work and weekends that idolize fun. I have heard it said that, “The only people who are afraid to die are living their best lives now."
Jesus’ best life, on the contrary, was to die. With that in mind, following God has cost me what I thought I could not live without and yet here I am. Living for Jesus and desiring his best for me does not suggest a kind of scarcity, where pleasure and enjoyment are taboo. It does, however, require you to be "self-restrained under the control of the Holy Spirit,” as Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth writes in Adorned: Living Out the Beauty of the Gospel Together. Speaking of women, she goes on: “She governs herself and disciplines her mind, her passions, her affections and her behavior". This is the kind of woman I am committed to being because when called to give a final account, I want my life to have revealed that I love God with everything that is in me.