Outlier
Being reared in military family as a child and now the wife of a pastor, I have moved more than my fair share. I do not know the whereabouts of the kids that I grew-up with in various locations. My closest girlfriends live thousands of miles away. I am discouraged to always be the new girl at times, who needs to be proactive about making new friends and connections wherever my husband’s career takes us. It is not as easy now for me to establish close relationships, as it was when I was younger in high school or college. A lot of folks either already have their “people,” a well-established circle of friends, by this time in life or for lots of other reasons, they are unavailable or uninterested to build something serious from scratch with a stranger.
Another complication, not including moving to a new country six months before a global pandemic whose response requires social distancing, is that we do not have children. As it is, many women my age are in some stage of active motherhood, which means, understandably, they gravitate to peers with whom “play dates” and birthday parties can be coordinated, where get-togethers addressing the topsy-turvy complexities of parenthood can be discussed. While this makes all the sense in the world for them, it exists outside of what my lived experience affords me to authentically relate to. Another challenge is that I cannot lean into groaning about the constant drama associated with work-life balance issues, because I am not working. I did have a decade-plus long career and worked in recent years outside of that area, and hope to work in some capacity again—but in this season, the Lord has me staying still. Added to all of this is that I simply cannot vibe with the annoying and often isolating grind of domestic duties many wives maintain. My husband does most of the cooking, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. Despite these challenges and more, I still desire to be in meaningful community with likeminded, Christian women, so I depend on God for courage and wisdom, that I will first be led to and choose to open-up the right ones.
Through trial and error, I know that regardless of missteps made along the way, going about creating a new friendship is still worthwhile. Please don’t get the idea that I am some kind of hermit with social anxiety. Now, in the current crisis, admittedly, I am keen on staying away from people and having them stay far away from me, but under normal circumstances to even say that I am one of the more social individuals most people meet would be an understatement. I am loud, girly, and can spend all-day (yes, all-day) sharing meals and conversation with ladies, young or old, whose company I enjoy. As an extrovert, I connect easily with people despite not being hyper-engaged in today’s trending technologies, that have become the standard way of life for so many. I don’t use Instagram or Facebook, but am good about staying in-touch with friends who live far, far away through cards, text-messages, phone calls, and face-to-face visits as we are able. I have even been Zooming a bit lately, so I feel pretty fancy.
During my twenties I thought that nothing was cooler than to have a long friend list. However, these days I see how shallow and shortsighted I was, which is why I have grown to be content with a small group of genuine girlfriends who challenge me, keep me accountable, and both celebrate and mourn life’s happenings right beside me. Nevertheless, developing and maintaining, and reestablishing bonds with people can be exhausting and sometimes feel not worth the investment. Time and energy are at a premium for everyone, including me, but I am committed to keep trying. God does the greater work, but I know that I also have an important part to play.
Honestly, at various points of my journey, I have been isolated without many ladies in my life to provide support. As painful as those seasons were, in hindsight I see how I needed that alone time to grow in intimacy with and reliance on God. In the end, only He can replenish my soul and that’s a lesson I need to keep close to my heart. I know that I need other women around, too, but still sometimes find it challenging to put myself out there, I guess. I will teetertotter back-and-forth from joyful anticipation to melancholy seclusion about a potential friend, taking one step forward then retreating two steps backward into a world of negativity and self-critique. For example, at some random outing or church thing, maybe I spend a few hours talking with a lady I don’t know from Adam. We’ve just met and seem to hit it off. She likes me. I like her. By all accounts, it is a no-brainer that we could quickly become enduring homegirls, faith-based soul sisters. You know what I mean. But this is the thing. Even though I sincerely desire to know her better, by the night’s end I won’t get up the nerve to exchange information or make plans to get-together. Or what has also happened is that we do agree to be in-touch very soon to talk more, but then I procrastinate with following-up to the point that days turn into weeks, and maybe even months go by. Trying to initiate contact then feels awkward and cumbersome, so I throw in the towel altogether.
It not only takes a great amount of emotional focus and drive to build true friendships, it also requires regular effort to keep them traveling in the right direction. You can’t sit around like a bump on a log receiving from your friends. You must be invested in giving, pouring into them as well, to encourage and challenge, pray for them, and spend time together. The same is true of other connections. Whether romantic or platonic, every healthy relationship has give-and-take, conflict, feelings of loneliness, and issues to work through. Some friendships withstand these complications and over time some friendships don’t and dissolve. My spirit has been greatly uplifted by girlfriends, especially these past seven months or so, and being able to “be” with them via Zoom has been a big plus. Those connections have strengthened through raw confessions, solidarity in lament and at times anger, and also experienced renewal with lots and lots of laughter. To continue cultivating a strong tribe, I must continue pushing myself toward vulnerability, as scary as it is, and remain in a posture of abundant anticipation with my palms open. I want to be steadfast about the Holy Spirit leading me to sober-minded community, where I am accepted and loved.