If the World Was Ending
It was while riding around the La Jolla region of San Diego, California that I first heard “If the World Was Ending,” a then trending song by JP Saxe featuring Julia Michaels. It is a kind of odd apocalyptic ballad about someone seeking to be reunited to a former partner, if their last moments on earth were on the horizon. With this foreknowledge, they would want to spend whatever time is left with their true love. Pretty much, you like it or not straightaway. Almost every time we were in the car, it happened to be one of a few songs populating various radio station’s hit rotation, so I heard it repeatedly, nonstop. But it got me to thinking. And now whenever the lyrics pop into my head, I begin reflecting about if I knew the world was coming to an end, how I might make different choices around love.
Without any of the cinematized dramatics or scientific debates over the end of civilization, we are all cognitively aware that our earthly life will one day conclude. It begins and so must have an ending point. In those final moments, some will be surrounded by loved ones while others will die unexpectedly and alone. Even just this past week, I was deeply moved by the death of a young woman I never knew. A former nurse, Anesah Collins pursued her passion as a videographer and wedding photographer even after being diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer, with her work finding its way to Forbes and People magazine. September 27, 2020, however, was her last day here, at age 35. To me, she didn’t lose her battle with cancer because she fought the good fight. As a Christian, in fact, she wins in the end. Her legacy of living unashamedly as a daughter of Christ will never die. Before Jesus was crucified, he spent the night praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. He was deeply troubled, knowing that his earthly journey was closing quickly, and that it would end in violence, injustice and pain. He had already predicted that Peter would deny him, not once but three times. He knew that Judas was scheming to betray him. He also knew that many of his followers would temporarily scatter after his arrest, in an act of self-preservation. When he needed them most, his very best friends would fall short, drop the ball, and be caught sleeping on the job.
In full disclosure, despite knowing quite well that life is short and a precious gift, too often my behavior reflects that of the ragtag disciples that we so easily critique. I am no better than them, having caused epic failures, less-than-stellar performances, and bold negligence on account of, if I am honest, trying to usurp God. In her blog post, “How to Forgive Yourself for the Holidays: You Can’t Rewrite History,” Jennifer Louden explained: “I cannot become the person I want to be as quickly as I need or would like.” I am fortunate to awaken each morning to the person I would want to be with if the world was ending, but my actions toward him are sometimes a far cry from embodying radical, mutual, or sacrificial love. I am guilty of wanting the benefits of marriage without the work and commitment that sustain it. I wish this were not true, but it would be a lie to write anything else, to try to clean it up for pride’s sake, and I don’t want to lie. I can tell you from first-hand experience that being an ingrate never helps anyone, whether in singleness or marriage. But there is no getting around that it will disproportionately affect your marriage.
Unrealistic expectations about love come easy to me on the one hand, and on the other I have at times grown comfortable taking advantage of the dependable love my husband lavishes me with while giving little in return. 13 years into marriage I still find myself struggling to detangle from being mesmerized by “me, myself, and I.” Love is powerful, but pride can spoil it in a moment’s notice. And over time, selfishness has a way of sabotaging all the goodness around us. It can get ugly quickly. Various fears lead us to push away those we, when sober, truly desire to be connected to. Peace is attacked and unity compromised. Trust is broken. Intimacy disappears. Fun goes out the door. This leads to many nights on opposite sides of the bed like rivals instead of spooning, needless heartbreak, and division if change is avoided.
Although taking the leap of faith into marriage is scary and there is no guarantee of achieving a “happily ever after” outcome, the alternative of the hook-up culture, cohabitation, and serial dating contradicts God’s blueprint. And the new phenomenon of marrying one’s self (called “sologamy” or self-marriage) is just as foolhardy as thinking that marrying someone solves your problems or, on its own, addresses unaddressed issues. Marriage is a living, breathing example of Jesus’ divine love affair with the Church. It is an incubator for your sanctification, to learn to show the love of God to one woman or man for a lifetime, not a vacation for you to indulge in self 24/7. It is a covenant of holy matrimony between of two broken people, who say “I still do” to God and one another time and time again, even when, especially when it is hard. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.” (Ephesians 5:25-27) I have a man who earnestly lives this out, but I sure haven’t made it easy.
Marriage necessitates a profound reliance on God to endure all that may come your way as a couple; resignation letters, illness, deceit, wars, crazy elections, financial obstacles, miscarriages, addiction, empty-nest transitions, aging. The list is endless. Love is a precious gift that should not be taken for granted. Cheapening or abusing it has serious consequences that aren’t easily rebounded from. Love, especially in the context of marriage, is in the end about generosity and the pledge to serve your better half with all you have (and more from God) no matter what. I hope others will learn from the pitfalls I have run into rather than following in my footsteps. With that in mind, if you are married, please determine to not take your spouse for granted. Tomorrow with them isn’t guaranteed. Be vulnerable and transparent with one another to make each other better, to make your marriage better. Serve and honor one another. Under God, commit to always considering the needs and well-beginning of each other above all other interests.
Despite my destructive cycle of poor choices, I believe in the words written on my wedding invitation from back in the day: “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:14) Christ’s love can take people, even those who are stiff-necked rebels like me, and perform wondrous surgery on them. The Holy Spirit helps us to obey God’s commands. It is possible for our hearts to be transformed to produce the fruit of the Spirit, as an act of submission unto God. I pray that in 50 years, when some of my memories have probably faded, that I will still be waking up each morning beside my husband, and that I will have long become a wife who better invests in, serves, and loves him. These words from the hymn, “Spirit of God, Who Dwells Within My Heart” are my heart’s desire:
Spirit of God, who dwells within my heart,
wean it from sin, through all its pulses move.
Stoop to my weakness, mighty as you are,
and make me love you as I ought to love.